I woke up a little after 1 in the morning and the thinking machine started up. I wasn’t tired, so it didn’t upset me that I couldn’t fall back to sleep. After all, it’s winter break so I could take a nap this afternoon if I really need it. I’m generally not a napper, but I could probably use more sleep than I am getting. I went ahead and got up about 6:30.

Not bad, considering I don’t remember going to bed. Again.

Because I am going to get sober, I have been drinking all the liquor and wine in the house so that there is nothing here when we return from our Christmas visit to Texas. I explained to my husband that going into that cluster with new sobriety was not something that sounded even remotely like a good idea and he agreed. His agreeing with me is one of the reasons I keep him around.

I have been thinking that I should quit drinking for quite a long time now. And honestly, I think part of me just thought I could be the exception to the rule and I could still have it all while simultaneously throwing it down the drain. Let me explain this morning’s musings.

I remembered going to a friend’s parents’ house. I was actually going to start cleaning for them and my friend was showing me around. I saw these white spots on the wood floor and I happened to ask about them. She told me it was liquor, that her dad and stepmom were functioning alcoholics. I had never heard that expression before.

I took quick stock of their lives and I think I took it as some sort of challenge. This guy was a doctor and his wife, a school administrator. They owned a nice home in a prestigious part of town as well as vacation property and could afford private schools for their children.

At the time, I was just starting a masters degree in counseling (that I later opted out of) and was about to get married. I drank to excess occasionally, but it didn’t consume me. I have had my share of trauma and guarding my mental health has been a constant. Almost twenty years later and a whole lot of territory in between and lately it’s me and a bottle of wine every night. I actually do not remember the last time I went to sleep unaided.

My husband and I have good careers, a nice home and a reasonably happy family, but I still have that gigantic hole in my soul that I cannot seem to fill. I started yoga this summer and it has been the closest thing to making me feel like it might not always be so. I might not always have to endure this longing.

In the past year, since getting a new psychiatrist for my son, I have been drawn to a print that is hanging on the wall in the waiting room. I have no idea where it is from or who to attribute it to. It actually looks  a little like something someone kept back from a calendar and then threw in a frame, but it resonates so deeply with me.

I wanted more than this.


I am pretty convinced that whatever the “more” is, it’s not on the other side of a black out. So, here I go. I have been drowning out my words for the better part of twenty years and I am sure that it has kept me from being my true self and real soul growth. I’m ready to experience what is in store for me as I start expecting that I am worth “more”.

4 thoughts on “Going for More

  1. Your post made my eyes leak. I am cheering the choice you are making – my parents were both “functioning alcoholics” and although I lost one of my precious sisters only months ago, I really lost her to alcohol years ago – it is a life and death decision. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you begin the next fabulous chapter!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate you reading and taking the time to tell me your thoughts. I think many more people than let on get lost to it and the saddest part is that so many of them never even know it. They say that once we know better, we do better, so that’s where I am. Blessings, Paulette!


  2. Your realization/awakening strikes such a chord with me. Excited for you and the hope and anticipation you are feeling for your next step. Keep writing, please.* Happy for you. …. Worried, too, about getting rid of the booze. Be careful. You could always just put it in the basement, or toss it out, too. The escalation can be addicting, too. Exhilarating. ‘How much can I handle?’ and all that. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself. …. Love the image and the line. -HM.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. It was a dangerous move. It’s certainly not a recommendation, but after many attempts to keep it in the house and resist it and even other attempts to pour it down the drain, this felt like the right way to do it. To taste and be repulsed by it was what I felt I needed for this one to stick.


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