Today we are to leave for our Christmas celebration with family. I do not expect it to be some feature film level of a hot mess, but I don’t suspect it will be easy. That is also how I feel that quitting alcohol is going to be for me – no picnic, but nothing to write home about. That’s precisely why the timing of this is the way that it is. Seems so crazy to be planning the big quit while still engaging in the habit, but I have to meet myself where I am, and that is the spot.
I have wanted to quit before but I kept it a secret and then fell to pressure quickly. I have also done it and had three weeks of amazing ease. This time I was honest with my husband and asked him to not be an enabler. This was a very big deal as my drinking has very much been a weapon against vulnerability and communication. I cannot even begin to fathom the “life things” I will now be learning.
For instance, we are supposed to be leaving on a trip. In years past, we would start out bright and early. This was influenced by his and my traveling childhoods. In years of late, we get out the door whenever my husband gets with the program to leave. (Related, but another story – his test for sleep apnea is January 7.) It makes for some very long trips. I made a clear statement about when I wanted to leave this time days ago and I went to sleep at 11:30 last night with a husband still up watching television. Here I sit at 7:00, ready to roll out and a certain someone is still sleeping. I said I wanted to leave at 6 a.m..
The way this usually goes is I get bent out of shape and super mad and seethe and lash out in passive aggressive ways because somehow I question if I am being reasonable. The drink from the nights before clouds my thoughts and I sink back, sure I would prefer to avoid the conflict so I would figure out other things to pick apart and use as a target for my frustration.
I am going to have to be able to trust myself and what I am feeling and not count on snuffing it out or drinking it away or letting it color my relationships negatively…and so, I shall go and play the wake up fairy and practice this critical skill I have avoided for so long…I suspect it’ll get easier with practice.