I woke to sunny skies the morning of my third day of sobriety. I love the view from my bed to outside my bedroom window. I love it even more now that I have painted the walls a neutral instead of what we have come to call baby poop green. It was pretty unsettling to say the least. I had had enough and I simply stopped making everything else a priority.
Kind of like I have done with myself.
I tidied up my dresser just a while after waking and unpacked my jewelry from the trip. I found Dianne’s bracelets – a turquoise & silver wrap. She’s from Montana and I want to have her with me when we begin our family travels out west and even south to Texas. I chose between the earrings I got in Guadalajara with my Grandma Sue some fifteen years back and for the circular ones I’ve worn since high school that remind me of the Earth to match.
I thought about my mother’s sterling and turquoise cross that I coveted, stole and have since returned to her. It was always a favorite because I could imagine what she might be like if she hadn’t had to go such a hardline route to raise me. Wonder what that 15 year old girl had wanted for herself when she got the news about me?
I also looked at the dainty silver bangle with a faint pattern inscribed and smile at the memory of my dear friend. This is her boys’ first Christmas without her and they have gone out west to see her sister and other such adventures. I am not sure if they will be able to make it to where they will release her ashes. This bracelet is exactly the kind I had in mind when I asked my husband for one years ago.
I put them both on slowly and listened to the presence of my friend right there with me, pulling me up and supporting me and sending me love and reminding me that I am an everyday angel, as she was, and now is. I am not kidding. I made space for the moment and walked into the kitchen to be alone in it and remembered the time I was at The Respite Center and they rushed me to the back room and I told them about an angel speaking to me and they rushed me to the Psych Ward.
It’s no wonder I drowned out reality for so long, no? I had been brainwashed to believe that these thoughts and experiences were a sign of insanity instead of self-actualization or enlightenment or TRUTH.
As I sit here and reflect about the moment with my friend Dianne yesterday, I felt an embrace and a presence again. She is a part of me, forever.
Why on EARTH would anyone ever want to rob themselves of these gifts? I don’t. Not anymore.