There is a calm about me that I hardly recognize. I am practically floating through my days. Words roll more easily off my tongue. It’s as if I am trusting myself to speak from my core instead of through a haze of chemically altering substances. I always used to second guess my words and conversations and obsess a little over the reactions I got from other people. It was exhausting.
An example: this morning during a lazy snow day (on a FRIDAY, even!) morning, I was readying the water dispenser and filling it with ice. We all drink so much more water this way, even though we have an in door ice and water deal in the freezer. I removed the ice caddy and set the wobbly thing on the counter and proceeded to fill the two gallon glass container with ice. Well, of course it tipped over and a month ago, one would have thought my reaction was due to a serious crisis, like my hair being on fire. I would have let out a yelp and carried on like it was the “end of the world”.
Today, I just shrugged and picked the ice up off the floor and the counter and proceeded with my putterings. I always heard “Don’t cry over spilt milk” but with alcohol always in my bloodstream it was as if I was always on the edge. And there was milk EVERYWHERE and, of course, I was always crying.
In the interest of sharing my tools with you, no matter what your current struggle, I think many people might benefit from an online course I discovered on Daily Om. It’s A Year to Clear What’s Holding You Back. I started the course last April and followed along with the daily posts in my own fits and starts fashion. Frankly, I started the course while I was trying to meet a deadline on getting some of my writing published and also while I was obtaining my administrative licensure and training to become a school administrator. I’m months behind now on my publishing deadline as the school deadline took precedence, but the extended process is revealing some important truths that I am eager to explore.
Which is exactly why I decided to make this journey public. The depression, anxiety, overthinking and torment I suffered in my youth was a secret until last year. I kept my writings in boxes and in folders and I had rarely shown any of it to anyone. I’m still uncertain if I did that because I think some of what I wrote is “terrible” or because I didn’t want people to see my “broken-ness,” but I kept them hidden, just the same.
So, this time, I’m out there – exposed from the beginning. I feel so strongly that we have been sold a bag a crap in terms of what our American society thinks is acceptable. It glorifies alcohol and it is found at every turn. Frankly, I have a few conspiracy theories…but that’s a post for another time.
I have long felt that my potential extends well beyond my current lot in life. I’m upper middle-class, we own a nice home, have good jobs, our children are somewhat well-adjusted and I want for nothing that I need, YET, I always felt held back, which is why I began the course. Associated with the course is a Facebook group of some of the most compassionate and kind people I have ever wished I knew in person. Everyone has different clearing challenges, but the support is intense. When I started the group, there were fewer than 5,000 members – now it’s a little less intimate at more than 13,000 members, but the support is still there.
As humans we cling to things and ideas that no longer serve us and bring us joy. This is how we get stuck and energy cannot move freely with those blocks – lose the blocks, the energy flows and we grow and have room for new energy that better serves us and brings us joy.
As a result of compassionate awareness, something the course teaches, I am a more joyful girl than I have ever been…it may be be early to tell since I am only on Day 10 of sobriety, but I think this joy is about to be magnified without the suppressant of alcohol tumbling along behind it at every turn. Stay with me to find out! Oh, and check out that course if it seems like it resonates!