On the last day of a 3 day Christmas visit at my parents’ home, I was getting some help from my father on a little shadowbox project. I needed a slot created at the top so I could slip ticket stubs and other memorabilia in the box to use it as a living memory box. We thought it was wood, but it ended up being made of plastic and a non-essential part melted from the tool. After further inspection, my Dad hugged the box to his chest and had a funny look on his face, like, “Ooops.” I smiled when I took a look at what the to-do was about. Just a little condensation that would quickly evaporate. “Just giving me a hard time, huh? Like I don’t get that enough for real, right?”
“Nah, to make you laugh. I don’t see you do that very much.”
It’s the truth. I have been so exhausted from trying to hold my family together for the past five years. I’ve operated on lots of coffee, wine (and beer and gin and whiskey and just about anything else that’s available and flowing).
I used to drink a lot of colas. I replaced it with something more dangerous, but no one ever talks about Coca-Cola being a gateway drug. I have come to understand that it was, in large part, a sugar addiction for me with the side effect of being able to disappear.
A part of me is very angry that I lost so much time to drinking. I can’t change it and so I accept it. Every day is mine to be the best I can be now and I continue to focus on that.
I had to sit down and count how many days it has been. It’s not that I don’t think about drinking, because I do, but not really in any kind of fond manner. And frankly, not in any bitter way either. It is very much something that was not serving me and I decided to let it go. Because of that, I haven’t concentrated on how many days, nor have I mentioned it a great deal.
It’s been 6 weeks or 43 days. I am much less scattered and frantic. Might be all the TEA! I think the insides of my mouth might be raw from drinking so much warm herbal tea with honey – like as much as one can practically CHUG in an evening…okay, not really, but a lot.
I need joy in my life, my Dad is right. It was my word last year and I think I made great progress finding it. I feel that by seeking truth throughout my life this year I will be even closer to that than I have been in a very long time.