Category Archives: yoga

Clear Intentions

 

IMG_1995

There is a healer in one of my groups who never fails to pull cards that resonate with me. This is the same woman who pulled the card I posted before. I am sure trying to attract what I want. On a friend’s suggestion, I began a Manifestation 100 two weeks ago and have had a fitful time keeping up and playing the game. I hope to hit that hard in the coming weeks now that school is out for summer.

I have now gone from being the top candidate for a position to not getting the job TWICE in a couple weeks’ time. My intention is off, I know it, I just don’t know how to fix it! It’s complicated! We want to move and to find a good neighborhood and a comfortable school environment for me where I am appreciated and valued and not overlooked. Our home is for sale because we got that initial offer. Our open house was last weekend. Love this house but it’s time to leave. Have applications in here locally for leadership positions, also in Denver, Colorado and Austin, Texas area.

“Gotta get clear about this.”

Those were my thoughts last week after I got the call that the principal recommended another candidate. This is the same school where I had been the number one candidate on Tuesday but that a last minute internal candidate applied and, well, I was not the one recommended fro the job. Turns out the high school position opened up in the same area and so my name will be passed along for that.

During my time away from writing (two weeks), I have also spent a bit of time on a Facebook group for empaths. I ordered a book from a woman in the UK and when it arrived, it came with some special bonus materials.

Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist was included. This happens to be one of my newest favorite books. I read it about four or five years ago but I have checked it out from the library and had not been able to mark it as my own. I look forward to re-reading it from this place along my path. And having read Warrior of the Light.

Additionally, it came with a card:

IMG_2160

I know this is why these positions have not fallen within my grasp. They are not the ones meant for me. I know I need to get clear.

IMG_2101

5/27

This is why I have not written in a while. Couple the intensity of these situations with also interviewing in my own district and finishing out one of the most stressful school years on my record…and I am TIRED. I decide to lay low and not push against the world.

 

I interviewed in my own district, for what it is worth. It’s been an interesting experience. I’m gaining confidence through every interview, no matter it has been (here, Colorado and Austin) and I am able to imagine a life in many different places. I have been afforded the time to think through this and make a solid decision as things come to me. I am grateful for the clarity that abstaining from drinking has given me. I have permission to explore my feelings again.

 

Just Wednesday night I got an email from that same principal saying that it might be a long shot, but that there is an English position in his middle school and he wondered if I might be interested in applying.

I took this opportunity to apply immediately and also to locate the high school position and apply for that one as well. I am still not certain why no one has contacted me in regards to the high school theatre position I applied for when I applied for the middle school job, BUT – CLEARLY this district has many positions for which I am qualified. It is a lovely location – near my parents and my brother and in a quaint town that’s just over “too small.”

The Colorado River runs through it. Are you listening to the words coming out of my fingers here? There are at least two yoga studios in the town. Haha! It just all seems pretty cool to explore…

IMG_2064

Physical changes

I don’t really know a lot about BMI and water percentages, but I got a new scale in the midst of tracking changes in my body during my first days and months of sobriety and I think I have some decent results. I decided to post here today as I currently have no shorts or jeans that I cannot pull on and take off without buttoning or unzipping. I am back to my regular size, but I feel petite yet strong.

But, that means the yoga pants I took out of the spring/summer bin are a bit big.

Body Data

I’m not sure if you can tell anything by these “before” pictures, but I can’t find the ones where I showed my big belly. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)IMG_0438IMG_0425Being good to my mind and body has been good for my soul.

 

 

 

 

Self-Care crunch

I am in a really big jumble right now. I have so many deadlines and responsibilities upon me, but mostly I want to focus on my inner journey and growth. I have so many creative ideas and juices flowing and it’s frustrating to have to set them aside when I have finally we reawakened them.

My husband and I have been on a tremendous journey the past seven years and we feel as though all of our hard work is about to break open and this change that we have put into motion is about to come to fruition and it is an exciting and scary time.

I can get overwhelmed in times like these, and I remember that I have forgotten my morning self care ritual of yoga and breath work for about two weeks now.

I had a nice morning off feeling my way around my home and the responsibilities and things that need done over this weekend and I believe that starting tomorrow morning I will be getting up and doing my yoga stretches and my morning breath work and we’ll see if this helps me to handle the forthcoming challenges and give me the energy to do all the good that I want to do.

There are deadlines for my current career as well as applications and job interviews for the next chapter in two possible locations. There are conversations with the distraught 13-year-old about not wanting to move. There’s blaming and there’s doubt and it’s muddy, but I am a Warrior of the Light and I will continue to be attentive to the signs that keep leading me along this journey.

I think it’s safe to say that alcohol has not been a contributing factor to my success in life and now it is time to break free of those chains and take my training wheels off for good.

Perhaps when I get through the deadlines I can get focused and carve some time for adding the regular writing into the self-care mix.

Day 110

I just had an amazing growth experience in Colorado and am still reeling from the amazing positivity and energy there. I visited some people dear to me and I felt welcomed and inspired.

According to Doreen Virtue, a popular spirit healer, “1, 11, 111, and 1111 in Angel Numbers all mean: ‘”Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts are manifesting instantly into form. Focus only upon your desires and not upon your fears.”‘

IMG_1631

I could not bear to be inside earlier today and I had so much to do. Sometimes, even with the best plans, deadlines approach faster than expected. I took on a lot this year because I thought if I could handle the administrative licensure while working full-time last year, I could do anything. I tell you what I know for sure, and that is that sacrifices must be made to follow dreams. I am thankful I am able to do just that.

IMG_1755

I have had much encouragement from the universe in these past months and I am watching and listening carefully.

I just returned home from some time at my mother and father’s house in Texas. My little brother hosted my son on a wild game hunting trip on the land he leases just 12 miles north of Mexico. It was a wonderful trip for my son and, as it turns out, for me.

I can hardly write for wiping my tears. I’m trying to be discreet as I am not alone and these moments are so personal to me and because I have so little control sometimes, I love for my moments alone to be alone. It just so happens that my study is in the heart of the house.

A house that I have grown to love so much. It cradled me in its arms and spoke gently to me. We grew together and it will be the hardest thing to leave behind when we pack up and head to Texas. Because we have to.

I believe it was Monday night that everyone went to sleep and I still had plenty to think about so I jumped into a Master Class through Mind Valley Academy to embrace my energy body. Since my session with Grace I have been chipping away at educating myself and the classes I’ve found are not lining up with my schedule. It was well explained and I was able to feel the warmth of my energy between my hand as Jeffrey Allen described. I coaxed that block from my sacrum and I replaced it with fresh new expansiveness.

While my mom was taking an afternoon nap and my sweet husband was driving our ten-year old around on the golf cart, I sat on the back porch rocking. I am interviewing for positions in education again this summer in and around Austin and I saw myself driving to the Lake on the weekends to visit my mom. Her respiratory issues are just not good.

She has taken such good care of herself almost her whole life and smoking, combined with toxic chemical exposure, has really  done a number on her ability to breathe and live.

IMG_1315

Cannot be any accident that I have discovered my breath this year. I rocked on her porch, strolled over to the pond and just let all of my thoughts and feelings wash over me. The bitterness from getting the raw end of the deal was absent. Suddenly I felt like I was the lucky one. My boys are 13 and 10 and my brother’s first son is not quite 8 months old.

So I redoubled my efforts and got a few more applications in to other districts while I was there. She had very little energy, having battled bronchitis for three weeks and so there were no big outings or anything so I had plenty of time to do it. Things were very low-key with my Dad and oldest being gone and there was plenty of down time.

I am back home now decompressing and processing the moments of the past few days, which included a digital video interview for a HUGE position in Austin and some crazy little details and connections being revealed that may or not be synchronicity, or as I always called it, as a young girl with a favorite book, Serendipity (1974).

I have been looking to purchase this book for myself for a number of years and I went ahead and bought a first edition, just like the one I used to have. Many of my childhood toys and keepsakes were missing from my grandparent’s basement when my mother and I returned from her first tour in the service. I have always been sad to have lost those things.

About three years ago my mother found “my” Raggedy Ann doll on Ebay, bought it and sent it to me.

img_5301

I will be so curious to peel back the cover and see the name of the original owner of Serendipity and that little girl (?) and I will share a moment of acknowledgment that “Knowing who you really are will bring you happiness” as is the theme of the book. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that my connection to this book has been steadfast my entire life. I look so forward to re-reading it. Perhaps the next time I head down this spiral, I will treat myself to my other favorite: Flutterby (1976), with the moral: “Be just who you are.”

At any rate, I am feeling a certain pull to the area. Perhaps a real connection to the idea that this is finally the real move that is due. It was no trouble at all to be present in my own skin without being inebriated or drinking at all. Maybe I am ready to surrender to the idea that my Mom is certainly not perfect, but she has done the best that she could for me. Maybe I can learn to forgive her for things that hurt me.

I guess she has probably had to forgive me hurts over the years.

IMG_6985

Independence Day 2016

I bumped into a yoga instructor and holistic healer on social media. It was a bizarre meeting, but we have many things in common and she is conducting a Nourishing Awakenings women’s nature retreat just a few hours from my home. Fire walking is involved and I am very seriously considering going. I contacted her about it and in our conversation it came up that I am trying to get my family to Austin and we’re saving money and all of that and of course, that’s exactly where she was on her travels as we spoke. Anyway, I have saved this much since quitting drinking…I continue to want to reinvest it…2017 word = truth. This could be my celebration of my SELF. My real self. This event takes place post 100 sober days…walking on fire…hmmmm…Just all seems so serendiptous.

We shall see – I have until the musical I’m directing closes this time next week to make a final decision, so the timing could not be better.

This post is a reflection of me at 81 days. Getting clearer and clearer.

First Dream

I have taken a much needed day off work to keep to myself today – a “mental health” day if you will. I was putzing around and just realized that I think I had a glass of wine or a beer at an event I attended during a dream I had last night. I left a long day (and a week of Mondays) into evening at work to go home and address some personal issues with my son and his behavior affecting his education and I remember thinking as I got into my car, tuning out with a glass of wine would usually be in order about now. But I knew I wouldn’t and didn’t actually want to. The thought went through my consciousness as quickly as it came.

First of all, dreaming is pretty much a thing of the past. Well, it was, until now. How ironic that I should have my first dream in as long as I can remember after I spend sixty sober days and it is about drinking?

So many thoughts to process. Which rabbit hole shall I travel? The more I think about it, the more real the dream felt on a visceral level. I was ashamed of doing it.

These dreams are normal.

This forum has a thread of experiences posted by many others with drunk dreams. It seems to me that this might be common in these first months of sobriety. Looks like that is right on target. Textbook case.

I am looking forward to witnessing a blossoming dream world in my sobriety. I remember many years ago the revelations I was in tune with in my dream as a young adult, before I began to drink dreams away, unbeknownst to me all the while. I have been tossing around the reality that soon I will begin Julia Cameron’s “morning pages”. I have to wrap up the current youth theatre production at the end of March and then I will be able to explore it further.

Though I started The Artist’s Way on December 27th, my first day of sobrietyI quickly realized I would have to put it on hold until a prior commitment came to pass. I also wanted to firmly establish my morning  yoga and breathing ritual that I began attempting on January 3rd. Currently, I am just shy of a week of 100% mastery of that goal. I have talked about those morning routines here and here. I may elect to begin exploring the idea of morning pages before I conclude the play – perhaps when I have a dream that needs to be recorded. I want to make up for lost time now that my mind is healing, and I want to take full advantage of all of these rich experiences without getting completely overwhelmed.

I got the help of my husband to finish the shelving project in my study.

I just love this room of my own.

img_1073img_1079img_1070

img_1110

New Imaginings

I wept at the beginning of yoga this Saturday. The instructor created a really great flow that happened to work well for me and I was more able to get out of my own mind and just BE in the pose and spend the time with myself. I cried in meditation too. After weeks of not being sad or anxious at all, really. I don’t know if I have managed to put a spell on myself or what, but I feel a gamut of emotions, but they just wash over me, like the tide. Eb and flow.

Nothing rattles my cage much and I think that my calm affects the entire home. I do not say that to be egotistical, but realistic. We ALL affect one another. I have worked so hard and studied so much to change and help my youngest son  and while that has been a noble cause and much progress has been made, I promise that my work on myself will go further.

I am intentionally creating a better life for myself. I had a vision of what I thought it would be and there has been a peeling away of many unnecessary layers in recent years and this is the last big one. Underneath this one is the truth of who I am. I have always known that I am a treasure to be sure, but trauma has a way of dulling one’s shine.

There are many resources available these days which link addiction and trauma and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Of course, an additional connection I also share is the link between giftedness and all of those things. I think back to Grace saying I have been running from crazy all my life. It’s true.

No one taught me about my gifts.

No one explained “giftedness” to me. I thought I was supposed to be smart at everything and get perfect grades. When others in my class of “Talented and Gifted” kids succeeded in ways I could not, it never occurred to me to consider the ways I excelled in which they did not. Looking back at that now, it seems silly. But that is how retrospect works, I suppose.

I am grateful to be able to read articles like this one now. I feel like I have misinterpreted myself all these years. It looks like the work of Stephanie S. Tolan will be some interesting reading  for me as I stumble through this latest discovery. I find the link between my giftedness and low self-esteem as this article describes in studies. I visited her website, but found that my primary interest is with her blog, The Deep End.

I remember my giftedness being fostered when I was in Germany in the Department of Defense schools and I recall some off campus programming once my parents were stationed in Florida. Unfortunately, those exploratory courses (the two I remember best were about government, specifically electoral college and latex mask-making) gave way to honors academics. No longer were creative outlets or alternate teaching methodologies relevant or seen as appropriate offerings. Kids like myself suffered.

How many others are out there who also feared their gifts, not seeing them for their promise but instead seeing a burden? How many years did I keep drinking because I thought I had found a “delicate balance” and didn’t want to upset it into “crazy” territory? All the while, I was creating new, negative pathways in my brain and I had no idea. Why do they not teach us these things in school? How much of this can I teach in school?

Where can I go to turn this into a career? This is very much where my FLOW STATE gets rolling…theatre, drama, film, trauma, giftedness, writing, speaking, yoga, play, addiction, energy, therapy…I want to be able to delve into this more regularly. I wish I could teach workshops to teenagers or even elementary school kids. I have so many ideas and so much I could offer if I could just figure out the HOW…

Until I figure out what I am going to do for “the rest of my life,” I very likely will engage in Reiki training and yoga teacher training as early as this summer. I just booked my trip to Colorado Springs and Greeley to check out their teacher fair in April. My oldest is moving into 8th grade next year, so we’re cutting things close for our dream of moving from where we have lived for almost twenty years. We keep trying and had some interviews for Germany, South Korea (Department of Defense schools) and two positions in Austin, TX last year. Still working that angle again this year, but expanding to Colorado.

Worst case scenario, I see Colorado for the first time and also a former colleague and maybe even my best friend from seventh grade (we’ve seen each other since then, but not after 1991). Best case scenario: we have the possibility of a completely different everyday reality.

Cheers! I’ll drink to that!img_8375

 

50 days

So, I just did the math and it looks like I have saved a little more than $250 since quitting drinking. I never bothered much with regular bottles, went straight for the jugs or boxes or magnums in a pinch, so this total would be significantly higher if I had been buying anything of real quality.

$250

I kind of wish I had done the math a good bit ago, maybe I’d have quit then. But, I do believe that we are moved when we are ready and I do think I managed to hit the sweet spot in that regard. My original goal was to hit the mark that I hit when I let go of wine in the fall of 2012, which was about a month. Well, that is has come and gone and now I know that I have this.

When I went for my energy healing session and I shared my “big quit” with Grace, she said that basically one is “still drunk” until about 100 days. I have not had much success in finding research that explains that process, but there are tons of “100 day sobriety challenges” so I guess there could be something to it.

Well, I’m halfway there! And I feel like I am in a wonderful alternate reality. There is TIME here. Lots of it. I keep catching myself wondering why I am not rushing about and then settling back into the almost weightlessness of living.

There it is –The Unbearable Lightness of Being – again.

I shall listen and gather it for immediate reading…too bad I let that book go almost ten years ago…I’ll have to find it at the library. I have been overspending a great deal lately and though I haven’t taken the time to investigate my habits, I know that I need to just cut back on everything. I want to start a new bank account where I make deposits into our European vacation fund. It is my plan to finance a family trip abroad with money saved in sobriety. Unfortunately, I made a terrible financial mistake in the last year or two that is costing me about $8,000, so I will also need to reconcile that oversight. I accidentally took out more student loans than I intended and didn’t notice the deposits because I wasn’t paying any attention.

Financial things make me a little frazzled. I’m going to need to work to do better.

I was able to attend my Saturday morning yoga at the Park again, after two weeks of traveling and work commitments. It was an amazing workout for my sacrum and I was actually in a bit of pain on Sunday, so that I attempted, what is turning out to be, my afternoon 4 minute adjustment. Try it. I think it is amazing!

I was also able to try out the meditation class again and had further practice with the Bellows Breath and am proud to say that finally I practiced three sets of twenty this morning. I have been waking and doing some informal stretching and some pretend breathing, but it’s slowly evolving into a routine with real techniques and poses.

I keep reaching for yoga and breath instead of booze and I am so glad I am.

Some more reading for you: Yoga and Stress

Here’s to 50 more sober days!

img_0998